10 Things That Make Me Happy

There are some moments in life that cause pure, unadulterated and universal happiness. Okay, so maybe they're not *totally* universal, but they should be. Here are 10 simple things that bring me mega (MEGA) amounts of joy.




1. Beating the high score on a game.

 There is an immense amount of pleasure to be derived from beating your own high score at a game, but beating someone else's? Off the SCALE amazing. The nerves, the skill, the heart in mouth moment as your score approaches the current record, the terror you're going to fail, then...JUBILATION. Speaking as someone who has stayed up until 3:00am playing Brick Breaker on my BlackBerry, I can assure you that I am just as manic about this as I sound. This. This is my Olympics.




2. Not getting a hangover when you totally deserve one. 

You wake up (or, more accurately, come to) after a heavy night. Terrified to move and unleash the nausea, you try to assess your condition using only minuscule jerks and stretches. You cautiously sit up and...nothing. NOTHING. You feel fine!!! Moments like this are so rare in life that we must celebrate them whenever they occur. The only possible improvement on this would be if you had also had the foresight to purchase a can or a jeggy of Irn Bru on your way home, to cure the drouth situation. Truly the perfect storm of hangover avoidance.




3. Becoming totally obsessed with an amazing song.


You know what I mean; you hear a song on the radio, on TV, or wherever and it piques your interest. You download it or YouTube it (or buy the ALBUM if you're an old school purist) and spin that bad boy until it becomes an integral part of your day. You listen to it SO MUCH that you know everything about and even have a favourite wee bit. I listened to 'Titanium' at least five times a day for the whole of February, so I know what I'm talking about.




4. Getting engrossed in an incredible book.

I honestly don't think there is any better feeling than becoming totally enthralled by a good book. You know the feeling; where you HAVE to turn the page to find out what's going to happen next. You keep thinking 'just until the end of this chapter' then before you know it, it's 2:00am and you've finished the entire thing. If your reading gets interrupted, all you can think about is getting back to your book. For me, it's really all I can think about. Funnily enough, this quality in books doesn't always mean that they're actually that good (step forward, Twilight), which makes this all the more fascinating to me.



5. Laughing so hard you could cry/pee/vomit.

I used to laugh like this all the time when I was younger, but these instances seem much more few and far between as I age. That said, when this does happen, it's one of the best feelings ever. It normally happens after a couple of glasses of your chosen poison while talking crap with your best friends, generally having a brilliant time. It also tends to happen when it's completely inappropriate for you to be creasing with laughter, but half the fun is trying to hold it in.




6. Watching a full DVD boxset in one day.

The ultimate favourite use of my spare time. Curtains drawn, snacks available, six pack of Diet Coke in the fridge, knowing you have nothing else to do, and one shiny new DVD boxset. Perfection. WARNING - you may take on some slightly intense and short lived habits after doing this; for example, thinking you're maybe a witch or a potential Slayer after watching too much Buffy.




7. Receiving a well deserved compliment.

'I like your outfit.' - who cares, I didn't make it myself (unless you did in which case totally SNAPS TO YOU). 'Your hair is nice.' - it's just hair. 'Your boobs look so big in that dress.' - FACTS ARE NOT COMPLIMENTS. Don't get me wrong, it's lovely to be told these kinds of things, but the gratification in no way matches a truly well deserved piece of praise. If you've worked super hard on something and someone notices, it feels like the effort was worth it.




8. Getting paid.

YOU'RE RICH!!! For one weekend until you're poor again, but still, YOU'RE RICH!!! Unless you're one of those sensible people who 'saves'. Then you're always rich but you don't spend it and I hate you.




9. Doing things that make you feel like a proper grown up.

Paying bills. Arranging appointments. Hosting conference calls. Doing presentations at meetings. Managing a project. Being the designated driver. No longer always choosing the cheapest option. Doing the BIG SHOP. These are all totally menial things that mean we're proper adults now, but you feel a thrill when doing them because you're not an adult, you're an IMPOSTER. Ice cream is still a reasonable breakfast choice, you're still fairly confident that you're going to be famous, and you can't master the concept of a 'civilised drink'. People think we're adults but we're TOTALLY NOT WE WILL BE YOUNG FOREVER. But shh. Don't tell anyone.




10. The Magic Mike trailer.

Reading this might give you cancer.

So...that's clearly not true. The words on this page will not give you cancer, of that I can pretty much assure you. Let me also clarify that I am in no way trivialising the seriousness of cancer - it's a terrifying and horrendous disease and, like everyone else, I have lost loved ones to it. What I am writing is a reaction to a story I saw on the BBC website today, which you can read here:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-17345967

In a nutshell, and missing out all the boring medical stuff, it is basically telling us that scientists have now discovered that eating too much read meat (aka the good stuff) can significantly increase your chances of getting cancer. This can now be added to the list of 'things that give you cancer' along with Diet Coke, mobile phones, burnt toast, chewing plastic (straws, pens, etc), mouthwash and literally countless other things. Seriously, just Google it or go on the Daily Mail website for five minutes and you'll see what I'm talking about.

Obviously there are some things that genuinely do increase your risk of cancer quite drastically, such as smoking 100 a day or hitting the sunbeds for an hour a week without wearing sunblock. I'm also not suggesting that you start exclusively eating steak for every meal, washed down by ten litres of Diet Coke. All I'm saying is, I'm kind of sick of being told things that are not going to improve the quality of my life in any way, and in fact just make me afraid of leaving my bread in the toaster for too long. How many times have you heard the phrase 'everything in moderation'? There's a reason people say it all the time - because it's true.

If I only eat red meat, I know that's not going to be good for me. It will give me halitosis, make going to the toilet pretty weird and apparently also give me cancer. So maybe we didn't know the cancer thing before, but we did know that we're not supposed to gorge ourselves on too much of one thing. If I only ate apples for the rest of my life I'm pretty sure there would be some serious health implications attached to that too. In today's society more than ever, a BALANCED lifestyle and diet is what is being promoted to us. And rightly so.

I'm absolutely fed up of people telling me that I can't do this any more, or eat that any more. Do you know what? I've been doing okay up until now, so I'm just going to keep doing my thing. It would be wonderful if we could avoid getting cancer by living a vegetarian life free from diet carbonated beverages and radiation. The reality is though, we can't. Every day you hear stories of people who never smoked a day in their lives, never did anything to excess, were fit and healthy, yet fell victim to cancer. You can live your life however you want, but cancer doesn't care what you had for dinner - some people are, tragically, unlucky.

We all die. This is a universal truth. It totally freaks me out when I think of my own mortality, so it would be cool if I could pick up the paper without reading about something that I've been doing every day all my life that is now going to kill me. When that day does come, and it will, I want to feel like I've done everything I could have done in the time that I've had. Whether it be one year or fifty years from now, I want to feel like I've done what I was supposed to do, whatever that may be. I don't think it will bring me any pleasure knowing that I stopped eating steak and drinking my favourite juice because I thought it was going to kill me. In fact, I think I'd be pretty pissed off considering that I was dying despite giving up things that I enjoy. If we stopped doing everything that could potentially contribute to our deaths, then there wouldn't be anything left to do.

My advice? Well, it's not worth much as I'm not a doctor and I'm only 23, so I'm not exactly rolling in wisdom. Regardless, I'll share my life philosophy.

Enjoy your life as much as you can. If you like eating steak, eat it. Just don't eat a full cow in one sitting. Try to be balanced. Be as healthy as possible (this is hard as I have a cake addiction). Listen to your granny and actually do try that 'everything in moderation' thing. Make up your own rules and don't listen to what other people tell you. And that includes me.

Life's only absolute truth is that you should NEVER use alcopops as mixer for your vodka. You will spew every time, and this is not worth finding out for yourself. I've taken the bullet on this one for you.

Don't mention it.

Things I Used To Believe

Ah, to be young again. Do you miss it? That golden period between the ages of about five and thirteen? I'm counting this as youth because this was my experience - people who were sexually active at the age of like twelve might not find much to empathise with here. In retrospect, the best part of being young was all of the ridiculous things that you thought were true. These are my favourites.

If you left school grounds during school hours, clowns (driving a blue van, specifically) would cut the sides of your mouth and then TICKLE you to grotesquely stretch and scar your young smile. Does this have any factual basis? I would quite like to know as it accounted for many nightmares during my childhood. Who thought up this monstrosity of a story? It's pretty graphic, as cautionary tales go.

The Virgin Mary cries every time a girl whistles. Nothing like Catholic guilt to have an intense effect on your formative years. This particular chestnut came from my gran, after I proudly showed her my new whistling skills. WHY would you tell this to a little girl? It's also pretty sexist as well; I can't remember my brother being told that the Baby Jesus would weep were he to make music with his mouth.

If you left your wardrobe open, even a little crack, then something heinous would emerge in the night and kill you. Not sure if this is just a personal belief, but I was terrified of the unknown abyss behind my wardrobe door. Now, as an adult, I do not own a wardrobe. Go figure.

Swimming pools have a mysterious chemical that turns the water purple if you urinate in them. As a frequent swimmer, I used to live in TERROR of this happening. Imagine how humiliating it would be, to be surrounded by a watery cloud of purple shame? Again I have no basis for formally discrediting this, however I have never seen it happen. And I have been to the Aquatec in Motherwell LOADS of times. Trust me - if it was going to happen, then it would definitely happen there.

Bread crusts make your hair curly. THIS is the main reason why I didn't eat a bread crust until I was like fifteen. As a young girl cursed with the curliest hair imaginable, all I wanted was straight hair that didn't make me look like a white Diana Ross. Sadly my crust aversion did not assist me in attaining this goal. Years and years of straightener abuse has, however, finally let me realise my dream. Probably to the detriment of my hair quality, but whatever.

Eating carrots will help you see in the dark. BULLSHIT. I remember forcing down carrots at dinner after numerous claims from my parents that they would give me perfect night vision. They didn't, and I now live in perpetual disappointment.

You can be anything you want to be. This should have come with the disclaimer WITHIN REASON. I am 23 and I am still not an Oscar winning actress, a Grammy winning musician, a Nobel Prize winning scientist nor the Queen of the World. Just another brutal reality that I have had to come to terms with.

That somewhere over the rainbow, Dorothy weighed a pie. WAY UP HIGH, GUYS. Makes so much more sense.


There are SO MANY MORE that I can't recall now. FYI I still believe in Santa. Haven't you seen Elf?

Why I Don't Like Peas

There are few foods that I will resolutely not eat. I'm a firm believer in trying anything once (in the food realm, nothing kinky) and there are even some foods that I have 'taught' myself to like. Olives, onions and tomatoes, stuff like that. I promise you this though - I WILL NEVER LET ANOTHER PEA PASS MY LIPS.

I have several reasons for this completely rational hatred, which are as follows:

They are squishy and feel gross in your mouth. Why would I want the sensation of thick, warm bogeys to be a feature in my mouth? You cough that stuff up man, don't EAT it voluntarily.

There are MILLIONS of them. I feel threatened by their multitude. Staring at me with their green, blank faces. Too intense for a meal time.

The shell situation. They get stuck in your teeth and pop like spots when you're eating them. Disgusting. Baked beans have a similar shell issue, however they at least have the good grace to be coated in a delicious sauce.

The sheer existence of MUSHY PEAS. I can think of nothing worse than ingesting this monstrosity. 'Mushy' is not an appealing word. It looks like radioactive sick. Why do people eat this???

They taste rank. The true crux of the matter. They taste like...a wet, powdery leaf. This makes sense in my head. There is definitely an element of powder to their consistency.



ALSO, that princess felt that pea under like a zillion mattresses. That's some supernatural shit right there, I'm steering clear.

Things I would be good at.

I like my job. Very much, in fact. Which is a rarity for recent graduates of either actual university or the university of life. Despite my gratitude at being employed by a company that pays me well and doesn't make me touch anything gross, I can't help but feel that there is a job more suited to me out there. Here are some suggestions for prospective employers.


Blurb Writer

WHAT A COOL JOB. Basically a writer, but without the hard part (having to write something long). I could write blurbs for books, for movies, for anything you freaking want. I would be the person tantalising you to read what would not doubt be quite a crap book. But I would make it sound amazing. This is my true calling in life.


Perfume Describer

This is quite similar to Blurb Writer. You know how you get those shopping magazines on aeroplanes, that tell you about all of the Duty Free items that you can purchase whilst travelling to your destination? Well, the next time you're on a plane, READ THE PERFUME DESCRIPTIONS. Honestly the best thing ever. They make them sound so...smutty. 'A scent reminiscent of a hazy summer's day in the heady throws of lust.' I could totally do this. I think you'll agree.


Taste Tester

This has to be a job, right? I am not fussy about what I am the Taste Tester of, but it must be something thoroughly delicious. Like crisps, or cakes, or cocktails, or ice cream, or...basically anything that will make you massively fat.


Paint Colour Namer

Have you ever read the names of the paints when you're in like B&Q or something? They are sensational. Dusted Fondant. Jasmine Shimmer. Lilac Echo. Crazy Cream. Muddy Puddle (ew). PIGEON. Those are all genuine paint names, so obviously you're allowed all of the artistic license you want. Sign me up.


Life Coach

It BAFFLES me that this is an actual job, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't want to do it. My own life may not be perfect, however I'm really quite brilliant at pointing out the faults in the lives of others. I would relish the opportunity to deliver harsh truths, make bold claims and, basically, be a total bitch. And get PAID for it.


Cake Shop Owner

Cake. On tap. All day, every day. Be serious, who wouldn't want this job? My best friend and I discussed actually opening a cake shop, but then realised that we'd eat ourselves out of business and end up as contestants on The Biggest Loser.


Judge on America's Next Top Model

Having put some SERIOUS time into watching this throughout my life, I am confident that I could sit on the panel and offer some real value. I'd just like to point out that I am being totally serious. Also I quite fancy Nigel Barker, so it would be good to sit next to him and just look at his face.


Lottery Winner

Should probably start playing the lottery.

Why I Love Sports Movies

I am not an athletic person. By any means or by any description. I'm not horrifically uncoordinated, but I wouldn't be your first pick. But when it comes to sport in films - SIGN ME UP. I went to see 'Goon' in the cinema last night (a strong 3/5, I recommend) and it got me thinking; a lot of my favourite movies involve sports. Which is a bit weird, as I don't really like watching sports on television or anything like that. Again, I don't hate it, but I would much rather watch a documentary about someone who is horrifically obese or something like that.

The fascination started from an early age. 'Little Giants' and 'The Sandlot Kids' were two of my favourite ever films as a child, and they pretty much still are. The THRILL of seeing the underdog triumph is second to none, and this is perhaps the root of my passion. I also developed an intense obsession with 'A League of Their Own' and was entirely convinced that I too was going to become a female baseball star. It could still happen, just FYI. Other highlights from this period would be 'Cool Runnings' (still gutted they never won) and 'The Big Green' (they played SOCCER). And let's not forget the BEST TRILOGY OF ALL TIME, otherwise known as 'The Mighty Ducks'. Who doesn't love those films?

Don't even get me started on crap dance movies. OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. 'Save the Last Dance', all of the 'Step Up' films, 'Bring It On' (and sequels), 'Dirty Dancing', 'Footloose' (original and remake)...I could go on forever. I am completely confident in saying that there is no dance film out there that I would not love.

As I have matured, in years at least, I have become ever more interested in this genre of film. I have now developed a deeper love of a sub-genre of this genre - fighting movies. 'The Fighter', 'Karate Kid', 'Warrior' (still obsessed), 'Fight Club' (sort of counts) - I just can't get enough. I never think that I'll be that bothered, then by the time the climax arrives I will be weeping and rooting for the hero.

So why am I so interested? It baffles me a little, but I think I've worked it out. It simplifies the basic concept of most films (someone trying to surmount an obstacle) into something concrete and tangible - if they win the fight, they win at life. It is perfect for illustrating good against evil, light against dark, David against Goliath. Inevitably, I always end up cheering for the underdog and, inevitably, they usually win. This is because generally, in sports movies, the goodies always win. The baddies are usually Russian or something, but let's not dwell on the frequently employed racial stereotypes and just focus on the TRIUMPH OF THE GUY WE PROBABLY FANCY. We don't need to think about anything during the film or worry about anything after it, as we can usually assume that the guy out cold probably had pretty low morals, and the guy bleeding profusely, but conscious and fist pumping, represents all that is good in the world.

The exception to all of this is 'Rocky', and the many sequels. I just can't deal with Sylvester Stallone.

My Films Of 2011

2011 was the year of the Cineworld Unlimited Pass, and I really don't think I have ever made a more sensible purchase. I LOVE THE CINEMA. The popcorn, the trailers, the escalators, the films - what more could you want? Of all of the films that I went to see in 2011, I have managed to narrow it down to my top 10 for your reading pleasure. If you haven't seen some of them, I urge you to do so.

1. Warrior

Such a wonderful surprise of a movie. Raw, visceral and emotionally charged, with powerhouse performances from Nick Nolte, Tom Hardy and Joel Edgerton. I cried an actual river in the cinema; it was THE BEST FILM OF THE YEAR.

2. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

Otherwise known as the death of my childhood, this film also resulted in me weeping in the cinema. No one sets a foot wrong, but some minor gripes with the things they missed out kept it from my number one spot. Snape's story is definitely the highlight. Severus, I love you - Alan Rickman deserves an Oscar for his performance.

3. Drive

Ryan Gosling keeps getting nominated for The Ides of March, but it should be for this film instead. Style with substance, this was definitely the coolest film of the year.

4. Blue Valentine

This is the most heartwarming and heartbreaking film I have ever seen. I also cried at this.

5. Bridesmaids

Funniest film of the year and not just a female version of The Hangover, as multiple comparisons declared. I think it's better than The Hangover, and I am still crushing on Kristen Wiig. Her wit, her clothes, kissing John Hamm - I would quite like to be her.

6. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Such a TENSE movie going experience. Gary Oldman leads a terrific cast in a film that I had to pay a LOT of attention to in order to understand it. Totally worth the effort though, I hope it gets the kudos it deserves.

7. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

I was so pleased that this film was as good as I hoped it would be. I liked the Swedish one, but I think that Rooney Mara's Lisbeth is much more definitive and iconic than Noomi Rapace's. Daniel Craig was excellent, and Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross are truly gifted at scoring films. My only minor issue was the weird Swedish accent that most of the actors assumed - why did this happen?

8. The Fighter

Such an inspirational film. Excellent in every way. I remember crying a lot during this.

9. Thor

Kenneth Branagh. Directing a superhero movie. Starring Kim from Home and Away. What ISN'T there to love about this film?! I couldn't be any more excited to see The Avengers next year.

10. X Men: First Class

Stellar cast, with Michael Fassbender and Jennifer Lawrence being my favourites. I liked that they took this back to the start and took it seriously, whilst keeping everything that was fun about the franchise. Hope they make another one with the same team, as I thoroughly enjoyed this one.


Honourable mentions:

Captain America: The First Avenger, 50/50, Super 8, My Week With Marilyn, Rio, Sucker Punch, Source Code, Hanna, Crazy Stupid Love, Attack The Block, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Footloose, Animal Kingdom.

As you can see, a common theme of my cinema going experience is to cry. A LOT. It can't be helped - I am an emotional soul who gets too invested in things. I also like pretty much anything, however there were a few films this year that I thought were terrible. Like, TERRIBLE.

The worst films of 2011:

Kill List (what even happened?), Hall Pass (that fart/poo in the bath thing was disgusting), The Resident (why Hilary, WHY?), and Breaking Dawn Part 1 (I went to see this twice - it was horrific on both occasions).