Things I would be good at.

I like my job. Very much, in fact. Which is a rarity for recent graduates of either actual university or the university of life. Despite my gratitude at being employed by a company that pays me well and doesn't make me touch anything gross, I can't help but feel that there is a job more suited to me out there. Here are some suggestions for prospective employers.


Blurb Writer

WHAT A COOL JOB. Basically a writer, but without the hard part (having to write something long). I could write blurbs for books, for movies, for anything you freaking want. I would be the person tantalising you to read what would not doubt be quite a crap book. But I would make it sound amazing. This is my true calling in life.


Perfume Describer

This is quite similar to Blurb Writer. You know how you get those shopping magazines on aeroplanes, that tell you about all of the Duty Free items that you can purchase whilst travelling to your destination? Well, the next time you're on a plane, READ THE PERFUME DESCRIPTIONS. Honestly the best thing ever. They make them sound so...smutty. 'A scent reminiscent of a hazy summer's day in the heady throws of lust.' I could totally do this. I think you'll agree.


Taste Tester

This has to be a job, right? I am not fussy about what I am the Taste Tester of, but it must be something thoroughly delicious. Like crisps, or cakes, or cocktails, or ice cream, or...basically anything that will make you massively fat.


Paint Colour Namer

Have you ever read the names of the paints when you're in like B&Q or something? They are sensational. Dusted Fondant. Jasmine Shimmer. Lilac Echo. Crazy Cream. Muddy Puddle (ew). PIGEON. Those are all genuine paint names, so obviously you're allowed all of the artistic license you want. Sign me up.


Life Coach

It BAFFLES me that this is an actual job, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't want to do it. My own life may not be perfect, however I'm really quite brilliant at pointing out the faults in the lives of others. I would relish the opportunity to deliver harsh truths, make bold claims and, basically, be a total bitch. And get PAID for it.


Cake Shop Owner

Cake. On tap. All day, every day. Be serious, who wouldn't want this job? My best friend and I discussed actually opening a cake shop, but then realised that we'd eat ourselves out of business and end up as contestants on The Biggest Loser.


Judge on America's Next Top Model

Having put some SERIOUS time into watching this throughout my life, I am confident that I could sit on the panel and offer some real value. I'd just like to point out that I am being totally serious. Also I quite fancy Nigel Barker, so it would be good to sit next to him and just look at his face.


Lottery Winner

Should probably start playing the lottery.