Ah, to be young again. Do you miss it? That golden period between the ages of about five and thirteen? I'm counting this as youth because this was my experience - people who were sexually active at the age of like twelve might not find much to empathise with here. In retrospect, the best part of being young was all of the ridiculous things that you thought were true. These are my favourites.
If you left school grounds during school hours, clowns (driving a blue van, specifically) would cut the sides of your mouth and then TICKLE you to grotesquely stretch and scar your young smile. Does this have any factual basis? I would quite like to know as it accounted for many nightmares during my childhood. Who thought up this monstrosity of a story? It's pretty graphic, as cautionary tales go.
The Virgin Mary cries every time a girl whistles. Nothing like Catholic guilt to have an intense effect on your formative years. This particular chestnut came from my gran, after I proudly showed her my new whistling skills. WHY would you tell this to a little girl? It's also pretty sexist as well; I can't remember my brother being told that the Baby Jesus would weep were he to make music with his mouth.
If you left your wardrobe open, even a little crack, then something heinous would emerge in the night and kill you. Not sure if this is just a personal belief, but I was terrified of the unknown abyss behind my wardrobe door. Now, as an adult, I do not own a wardrobe. Go figure.
Swimming pools have a mysterious chemical that turns the water purple if you urinate in them. As a frequent swimmer, I used to live in TERROR of this happening. Imagine how humiliating it would be, to be surrounded by a watery cloud of purple shame? Again I have no basis for formally discrediting this, however I have never seen it happen. And I have been to the Aquatec in Motherwell LOADS of times. Trust me - if it was going to happen, then it would definitely happen there.
Bread crusts make your hair curly. THIS is the main reason why I didn't eat a bread crust until I was like fifteen. As a young girl cursed with the curliest hair imaginable, all I wanted was straight hair that didn't make me look like a white Diana Ross. Sadly my crust aversion did not assist me in attaining this goal. Years and years of straightener abuse has, however, finally let me realise my dream. Probably to the detriment of my hair quality, but whatever.
Eating carrots will help you see in the dark. BULLSHIT. I remember forcing down carrots at dinner after numerous claims from my parents that they would give me perfect night vision. They didn't, and I now live in perpetual disappointment.
You can be anything you want to be. This should have come with the disclaimer WITHIN REASON. I am 23 and I am still not an Oscar winning actress, a Grammy winning musician, a Nobel Prize winning scientist nor the Queen of the World. Just another brutal reality that I have had to come to terms with.
That somewhere over the rainbow, Dorothy weighed a pie. WAY UP HIGH, GUYS. Makes so much more sense.
There are SO MANY MORE that I can't recall now. FYI I still believe in Santa. Haven't you seen Elf?
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