Ah, to be young again. Do you miss it? That golden period between the ages of about five and thirteen? I'm counting this as youth because this was my experience - people who were sexually active at the age of like twelve might not find much to empathise with here. In retrospect, the best part of being young was all of the ridiculous things that you thought were true. These are my favourites.
If you left school grounds during school hours, clowns (driving a blue van, specifically) would cut the sides of your mouth and then TICKLE you to grotesquely stretch and scar your young smile. Does this have any factual basis? I would quite like to know as it accounted for many nightmares during my childhood. Who thought up this monstrosity of a story? It's pretty graphic, as cautionary tales go.
The Virgin Mary cries every time a girl whistles. Nothing like Catholic guilt to have an intense effect on your formative years. This particular chestnut came from my gran, after I proudly showed her my new whistling skills. WHY would you tell this to a little girl? It's also pretty sexist as well; I can't remember my brother being told that the Baby Jesus would weep were he to make music with his mouth.
If you left your wardrobe open, even a little crack, then something heinous would emerge in the night and kill you. Not sure if this is just a personal belief, but I was terrified of the unknown abyss behind my wardrobe door. Now, as an adult, I do not own a wardrobe. Go figure.
Swimming pools have a mysterious chemical that turns the water purple if you urinate in them. As a frequent swimmer, I used to live in TERROR of this happening. Imagine how humiliating it would be, to be surrounded by a watery cloud of purple shame? Again I have no basis for formally discrediting this, however I have never seen it happen. And I have been to the Aquatec in Motherwell LOADS of times. Trust me - if it was going to happen, then it would definitely happen there.
Bread crusts make your hair curly. THIS is the main reason why I didn't eat a bread crust until I was like fifteen. As a young girl cursed with the curliest hair imaginable, all I wanted was straight hair that didn't make me look like a white Diana Ross. Sadly my crust aversion did not assist me in attaining this goal. Years and years of straightener abuse has, however, finally let me realise my dream. Probably to the detriment of my hair quality, but whatever.
Eating carrots will help you see in the dark. BULLSHIT. I remember forcing down carrots at dinner after numerous claims from my parents that they would give me perfect night vision. They didn't, and I now live in perpetual disappointment.
You can be anything you want to be. This should have come with the disclaimer WITHIN REASON. I am 23 and I am still not an Oscar winning actress, a Grammy winning musician, a Nobel Prize winning scientist nor the Queen of the World. Just another brutal reality that I have had to come to terms with.
That somewhere over the rainbow, Dorothy weighed a pie. WAY UP HIGH, GUYS. Makes so much more sense.
There are SO MANY MORE that I can't recall now. FYI I still believe in Santa. Haven't you seen Elf?
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Friday, 20 January 2012
Why I Don't Like Peas
There are few foods that I will resolutely not eat. I'm a firm believer in trying anything once (in the food realm, nothing kinky) and there are even some foods that I have 'taught' myself to like. Olives, onions and tomatoes, stuff like that. I promise you this though - I WILL NEVER LET ANOTHER PEA PASS MY LIPS.
I have several reasons for this completely rational hatred, which are as follows:
They are squishy and feel gross in your mouth. Why would I want the sensation of thick, warm bogeys to be a feature in my mouth? You cough that stuff up man, don't EAT it voluntarily.
There are MILLIONS of them. I feel threatened by their multitude. Staring at me with their green, blank faces. Too intense for a meal time.
The shell situation. They get stuck in your teeth and pop like spots when you're eating them. Disgusting. Baked beans have a similar shell issue, however they at least have the good grace to be coated in a delicious sauce.
The sheer existence of MUSHY PEAS. I can think of nothing worse than ingesting this monstrosity. 'Mushy' is not an appealing word. It looks like radioactive sick. Why do people eat this???
They taste rank. The true crux of the matter. They taste like...a wet, powdery leaf. This makes sense in my head. There is definitely an element of powder to their consistency.
ALSO, that princess felt that pea under like a zillion mattresses. That's some supernatural shit right there, I'm steering clear.
I have several reasons for this completely rational hatred, which are as follows:
They are squishy and feel gross in your mouth. Why would I want the sensation of thick, warm bogeys to be a feature in my mouth? You cough that stuff up man, don't EAT it voluntarily.
There are MILLIONS of them. I feel threatened by their multitude. Staring at me with their green, blank faces. Too intense for a meal time.
The shell situation. They get stuck in your teeth and pop like spots when you're eating them. Disgusting. Baked beans have a similar shell issue, however they at least have the good grace to be coated in a delicious sauce.
The sheer existence of MUSHY PEAS. I can think of nothing worse than ingesting this monstrosity. 'Mushy' is not an appealing word. It looks like radioactive sick. Why do people eat this???
They taste rank. The true crux of the matter. They taste like...a wet, powdery leaf. This makes sense in my head. There is definitely an element of powder to their consistency.
ALSO, that princess felt that pea under like a zillion mattresses. That's some supernatural shit right there, I'm steering clear.
Monday, 16 January 2012
Things I would be good at.
I like my job. Very much, in fact. Which is a rarity for recent graduates of either actual university or the university of life. Despite my gratitude at being employed by a company that pays me well and doesn't make me touch anything gross, I can't help but feel that there is a job more suited to me out there. Here are some suggestions for prospective employers.
Blurb Writer
WHAT A COOL JOB. Basically a writer, but without the hard part (having to write something long). I could write blurbs for books, for movies, for anything you freaking want. I would be the person tantalising you to read what would not doubt be quite a crap book. But I would make it sound amazing. This is my true calling in life.
Perfume Describer
This is quite similar to Blurb Writer. You know how you get those shopping magazines on aeroplanes, that tell you about all of the Duty Free items that you can purchase whilst travelling to your destination? Well, the next time you're on a plane, READ THE PERFUME DESCRIPTIONS. Honestly the best thing ever. They make them sound so...smutty. 'A scent reminiscent of a hazy summer's day in the heady throws of lust.' I could totally do this. I think you'll agree.
Taste Tester
This has to be a job, right? I am not fussy about what I am the Taste Tester of, but it must be something thoroughly delicious. Like crisps, or cakes, or cocktails, or ice cream, or...basically anything that will make you massively fat.
Paint Colour Namer
Have you ever read the names of the paints when you're in like B&Q or something? They are sensational. Dusted Fondant. Jasmine Shimmer. Lilac Echo. Crazy Cream. Muddy Puddle (ew). PIGEON. Those are all genuine paint names, so obviously you're allowed all of the artistic license you want. Sign me up.
Life Coach
It BAFFLES me that this is an actual job, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't want to do it. My own life may not be perfect, however I'm really quite brilliant at pointing out the faults in the lives of others. I would relish the opportunity to deliver harsh truths, make bold claims and, basically, be a total bitch. And get PAID for it.
Cake Shop Owner
Cake. On tap. All day, every day. Be serious, who wouldn't want this job? My best friend and I discussed actually opening a cake shop, but then realised that we'd eat ourselves out of business and end up as contestants on The Biggest Loser.
Judge on America's Next Top Model
Having put some SERIOUS time into watching this throughout my life, I am confident that I could sit on the panel and offer some real value. I'd just like to point out that I am being totally serious. Also I quite fancy Nigel Barker, so it would be good to sit next to him and just look at his face.
Lottery Winner
Should probably start playing the lottery.
Blurb Writer
WHAT A COOL JOB. Basically a writer, but without the hard part (having to write something long). I could write blurbs for books, for movies, for anything you freaking want. I would be the person tantalising you to read what would not doubt be quite a crap book. But I would make it sound amazing. This is my true calling in life.
Perfume Describer
This is quite similar to Blurb Writer. You know how you get those shopping magazines on aeroplanes, that tell you about all of the Duty Free items that you can purchase whilst travelling to your destination? Well, the next time you're on a plane, READ THE PERFUME DESCRIPTIONS. Honestly the best thing ever. They make them sound so...smutty. 'A scent reminiscent of a hazy summer's day in the heady throws of lust.' I could totally do this. I think you'll agree.
Taste Tester
This has to be a job, right? I am not fussy about what I am the Taste Tester of, but it must be something thoroughly delicious. Like crisps, or cakes, or cocktails, or ice cream, or...basically anything that will make you massively fat.
Paint Colour Namer
Have you ever read the names of the paints when you're in like B&Q or something? They are sensational. Dusted Fondant. Jasmine Shimmer. Lilac Echo. Crazy Cream. Muddy Puddle (ew). PIGEON. Those are all genuine paint names, so obviously you're allowed all of the artistic license you want. Sign me up.
Life Coach
It BAFFLES me that this is an actual job, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't want to do it. My own life may not be perfect, however I'm really quite brilliant at pointing out the faults in the lives of others. I would relish the opportunity to deliver harsh truths, make bold claims and, basically, be a total bitch. And get PAID for it.
Cake Shop Owner
Cake. On tap. All day, every day. Be serious, who wouldn't want this job? My best friend and I discussed actually opening a cake shop, but then realised that we'd eat ourselves out of business and end up as contestants on The Biggest Loser.
Judge on America's Next Top Model
Having put some SERIOUS time into watching this throughout my life, I am confident that I could sit on the panel and offer some real value. I'd just like to point out that I am being totally serious. Also I quite fancy Nigel Barker, so it would be good to sit next to him and just look at his face.
Lottery Winner
Should probably start playing the lottery.
Monday, 9 January 2012
Why I Love Sports Movies
I am not an athletic person. By any means or by any description. I'm not horrifically uncoordinated, but I wouldn't be your first pick. But when it comes to sport in films - SIGN ME UP. I went to see 'Goon' in the cinema last night (a strong 3/5, I recommend) and it got me thinking; a lot of my favourite movies involve sports. Which is a bit weird, as I don't really like watching sports on television or anything like that. Again, I don't hate it, but I would much rather watch a documentary about someone who is horrifically obese or something like that.
The fascination started from an early age. 'Little Giants' and 'The Sandlot Kids' were two of my favourite ever films as a child, and they pretty much still are. The THRILL of seeing the underdog triumph is second to none, and this is perhaps the root of my passion. I also developed an intense obsession with 'A League of Their Own' and was entirely convinced that I too was going to become a female baseball star. It could still happen, just FYI. Other highlights from this period would be 'Cool Runnings' (still gutted they never won) and 'The Big Green' (they played SOCCER). And let's not forget the BEST TRILOGY OF ALL TIME, otherwise known as 'The Mighty Ducks'. Who doesn't love those films?
Don't even get me started on crap dance movies. OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. 'Save the Last Dance', all of the 'Step Up' films, 'Bring It On' (and sequels), 'Dirty Dancing', 'Footloose' (original and remake)...I could go on forever. I am completely confident in saying that there is no dance film out there that I would not love.
As I have matured, in years at least, I have become ever more interested in this genre of film. I have now developed a deeper love of a sub-genre of this genre - fighting movies. 'The Fighter', 'Karate Kid', 'Warrior' (still obsessed), 'Fight Club' (sort of counts) - I just can't get enough. I never think that I'll be that bothered, then by the time the climax arrives I will be weeping and rooting for the hero.
So why am I so interested? It baffles me a little, but I think I've worked it out. It simplifies the basic concept of most films (someone trying to surmount an obstacle) into something concrete and tangible - if they win the fight, they win at life. It is perfect for illustrating good against evil, light against dark, David against Goliath. Inevitably, I always end up cheering for the underdog and, inevitably, they usually win. This is because generally, in sports movies, the goodies always win. The baddies are usually Russian or something, but let's not dwell on the frequently employed racial stereotypes and just focus on the TRIUMPH OF THE GUY WE PROBABLY FANCY. We don't need to think about anything during the film or worry about anything after it, as we can usually assume that the guy out cold probably had pretty low morals, and the guy bleeding profusely, but conscious and fist pumping, represents all that is good in the world.
The exception to all of this is 'Rocky', and the many sequels. I just can't deal with Sylvester Stallone.
The fascination started from an early age. 'Little Giants' and 'The Sandlot Kids' were two of my favourite ever films as a child, and they pretty much still are. The THRILL of seeing the underdog triumph is second to none, and this is perhaps the root of my passion. I also developed an intense obsession with 'A League of Their Own' and was entirely convinced that I too was going to become a female baseball star. It could still happen, just FYI. Other highlights from this period would be 'Cool Runnings' (still gutted they never won) and 'The Big Green' (they played SOCCER). And let's not forget the BEST TRILOGY OF ALL TIME, otherwise known as 'The Mighty Ducks'. Who doesn't love those films?
Don't even get me started on crap dance movies. OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. 'Save the Last Dance', all of the 'Step Up' films, 'Bring It On' (and sequels), 'Dirty Dancing', 'Footloose' (original and remake)...I could go on forever. I am completely confident in saying that there is no dance film out there that I would not love.
As I have matured, in years at least, I have become ever more interested in this genre of film. I have now developed a deeper love of a sub-genre of this genre - fighting movies. 'The Fighter', 'Karate Kid', 'Warrior' (still obsessed), 'Fight Club' (sort of counts) - I just can't get enough. I never think that I'll be that bothered, then by the time the climax arrives I will be weeping and rooting for the hero.
So why am I so interested? It baffles me a little, but I think I've worked it out. It simplifies the basic concept of most films (someone trying to surmount an obstacle) into something concrete and tangible - if they win the fight, they win at life. It is perfect for illustrating good against evil, light against dark, David against Goliath. Inevitably, I always end up cheering for the underdog and, inevitably, they usually win. This is because generally, in sports movies, the goodies always win. The baddies are usually Russian or something, but let's not dwell on the frequently employed racial stereotypes and just focus on the TRIUMPH OF THE GUY WE PROBABLY FANCY. We don't need to think about anything during the film or worry about anything after it, as we can usually assume that the guy out cold probably had pretty low morals, and the guy bleeding profusely, but conscious and fist pumping, represents all that is good in the world.
The exception to all of this is 'Rocky', and the many sequels. I just can't deal with Sylvester Stallone.
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